Every Thursday evening I sit here in front of my computer and I have a struggle.
Do I write from my heart or do I write what is safe? Do I dare open up and reveal the true me, my opinions and passions? Does anyone read any of this anyway, does it even matter?
I am living such a blessed life right now. I am living out my dream right now, I don’t have a guarantee that things will always be as they are now. Just around the corner could be something that is going to shake my world, dare I not share from the heart while I am able?
I know that my husband is gone a lot. I know that we live a very busy life. I hope that I have not portrayed that I am a victim, that I am trapped, stuck or left behind in all of this.
Many of you know that I NEVER wanted to be a pastor’s wife. I actually prayed against it (I don’t recommend that.) I feel as though I walked into this role with my eyes wide open. It has been a long road to get where I am now. For many years I did feel trapped, stuck and left behind.
What am I passionate about?
I am passionate about my role as a woman as a help and supporter of my husband, my principles and priorities are constantly being buffeted by that conviction.
I am passionate about the gospel going forth, brought about by regular people living their regular lives in sold out, lives laid down ACTION for Christ. Go unto every nation and PREACH is a command to all and I can’t with clear conscience spend too many weekends tending to earthly desires for material things or even just family activities.
I am passionate about raising children that serve and follow Christ with all their lives in all they do. To be disciplined, orderly and also be spontaneous and risk takers for Jesus. To love and reach out to those around them. To have eyes to see and a spirit to discern the needs of hurting people. I want other families to see what we do and not be afraid to take out their children and serve God alongside them. To do the “home work” so that their children are ready and capable to do their kingdom work.
And mixed with these passions are daily life and failure. I want order, so I yell at the kids, I need peace so I strain at my husband. My plans don’t go my way and I get so caught up in the “I” that I for get THE ONE that I’m doing it all for. My passions are all for nothing if my sin and pride overshadow and overtake.
Yes, I am home. Yes, I have 6 kids. Yes, the daily-ness of it all does get tedious.
But, these convictions and passions burn deep in my heart and it’s so difficult because I am not a communicator – not as clear as I’d like. Not through speech.
My intentions, the burning in my heart is to tell nothing else but Jesus Christ and Him crucified and to bring Glory to my God. My prayer is that those intentions are what shine through and that people don’t just see a crazy lady with a lot of kids and no husband. My deepest desire is to spend my life busy about the Lord’s work. Now that is living a dream.